I went to my first laboratory class for a college course I'm taking. Here are bits of a conversation I had with the instructor. Things I thought, but, thankfully, didn't say, are in italics.
Me: (walking in the door) Is this biology?
Him: Yes. I'm Edward. You can call me Edward.
Me: (sultry voice and pose) You can call me Bella. (normal voice) Oh, okay.
Him: So what are you majoring in?
Me: (panicking) What the crap is my major???? Uh...um...(awkward pause). Oh, yeah! (snaps)
Natural Resources. Integrative Science, Natural Resources.
(Time passes)
Him: Everyone introduce yourself and tell why you're taking this class.
(Others go)
Me: I'm Alicia, and I have no choice.
(Time passes)
(Instructor gives out tasks to two groups. One group has two students, one has three. I'm in the group of three. I'm sitting watching, and the instructor jumps in)
Him: Here. (hands me a set of atomic bead thingies) You can do it by yourself. I feel bad. You're just
sitting there watching.
Me: It's okay. I don't mind.
Him: Here, I'll be your partner. (circles behind me and stands disturbingly close; continues to do so
throughout the lesson, not offering any real help)
(End of class)
Him: For your practical exam tonight, I'll draw lots and invite each of you in, one by one, to form a
molecule and draw a diagram.
(I end up being last)
Me: (walking into room)
Him: (overly excited) Hi, partner!
Me: You know, this partner thing kind of sucks. You don't really do anything. How about you take the
test for me?
Him: (laughs, gives instructions, making sure to invite me to call him "Edward" again)
Me: (takes the practical exam)
Him: The first half of your exam was to build a model. You did it perfectly, so you get a score of 20. That's
perfect.
Me: Yeah, no duh. You gave me the short bus molecule.
Him: The second half of your exam was to draw a diagram. You did it perfectly, so you get another
perfect score of 20.
Me: I feel like I'm in Iron Chef. Where's the dramatic music?
(Everyone comes back in the room; while disassembling my molecule, a bead flies across the room. I chase after it, while Edward screams, "Save the bead! Save the bead!"
Him: Would everyone like to hear the scores?
(Everyone agrees; Edward announces perfect scores for everyone, stating the types of molecules that everyone made, except for me; the molecules everyone else constructed are way more complicated than mine was. I finally start to get suspicious)
(Edward tells everyone what will be covered next week and dismisses the class. Everyone gathers their things)
Me: (moving toward the door)
Him: (moving with vampire-like speed to block my path) Wait, I'll copy the study manual for you. (He only
had three manuals at the beginning of class)
Me: Oh, okay, thanks! I would have gotten home and been like, "Dang it!" (it does not occur to me until
later that there was another student that went home without a manual)
Him: (moving slowly around the room, shutting down each computer, picking up scraps of paper from the
floor)
Me: (growing increasingly suspicious/nervous)
(All other students leave the laboratory; Edward continues to futz around)
Me: (moving to look at some poster on the wall that I still have no idea what was on it) Did he mean he
would make a copy for me later and give it to me next week? Should I leave?
Him: So, do you work?
Me: No, I'm a stay at home mom.
Him: Oh, that's cool.
(Awkward pause; more futzing)
Him: So, what do you want to do with your major?
Me: Oh, suck. Uh, it's really lame and weird, but, if I ever have to work, I want to work at Sea World.
(remembering more than one person bursting into stunned laughter at this very declaration)
Him: (overly reassuring) Oh, no, that's a really cool ambition! (making severe eye contact) Do it. Go for
it. Do it.
Me: Forget Iron Chef. I'm on a soap opera. (stands there awkwardly, silent)
Him: I've always had a dream to be a pathologist.
Me: If I knew what the crap that was, I'd be impressed, I'm sure. Oh, that's cool! Please let this end,
please let this end.
Him: (picking up coat) Oh, sorry. (scrabbling study guide together) Why don't you take this down and
get a copy made? I'll follow you down.
Me: (desperately snatching paperwork) Okay! (dashing out the door)
Him: (following almost immediately)
Me: (wondering just how thunky my pair of pink rainboots can possibly be)
(I reach the office)
Me: Dude, quit ignoring me! Over here, woman! Don't you know I'm in a dire rush????
(Lady finally turns around)
Me: (talking too fast) Hi, can I get a copy of this? (thrusts papers toward her) Oh, crap, they're
probably not supposed to make copies for students, especially not 20 pages. Please take the
papers. Please take the papers. He's almost here!
(Lady finally stops talking to other lady and disappears with papers to copy them; Edward arrives)
Him: (standing far too close to me, starts making small talk with other office lady)
Me: (sweating and slightly nauseous)
(Lady brings back papers, hands them to me)
Me: Which one's the original? Which one's the original?!?! (jams a set of papers into Edwards hands;
not making eye contact) Here, thanks. (scurries for the door)
Him: (following close enough that I know I should hold the door for him, but I don't)
Me: (walking faster, trying not to totally eat it in the icy parking lot because my rainboots have no traction)
Him: (beeping his little fancy security system on his little fancy car)
Me: (fumbling with my keys in the dark, next to the Turtle)
the Turtle--although mine doesn't look anywhere near this awesome
Him: (yelling across the parking lot) Have a good weekend, Alicia! I'll see you next week!Me: (panicking, seriously afraid he's going to follow me home) Yeah, thanks, Edward! Quit talking to
me! Quit talking to me!
(I drive home, nauseous, sweaty, and with an insane desire to cackle uncontrollably)
Just for a little more background information: there was a woman in the class that's over 50 and is an obvious smoker/drinker that tanned way too much in her youth. Last week, the professor for the course (that's in Elko) announced that lab was cancelled, so she was the only one that showed up for lab (she wasn't in class). Throughout the entire lab, she was hitting on Edward like crazy, doing that whole nasty writhing-in-your-seat thing that the director does on the extras for the original Twilight DVD. She kept purring about having his number (which he gave to everyone at the end of class) and how she kept trying to get him to go out last week (I'm assuming to a bar) instead of instructing.
She's not a cougar. She's a saber-toothed tiger.
Also, Edward is relatively attractive. I've been married for so long, I didn't even pay attention. Honestly. I didn't ring check him or anything. I also had no idea he was hitting on me until we'd been together for an hour-and-a-half.
I came home feeling dirty and confessed all to Steve, feeling like I'd had an affair
He laughed at me.
Now I'm afraid to go to lab.
"Excuse me, matire d'? I have a reservation. Naive, table for one.
"I prefer to eat alone."
