Fallacious Thinking

I'm the world's biggest chicken.  Let me make that clear from the get-go.  It's pathetic, yes, but something I totally can't change about myself.

For example...

I was looking through the Reader's Digest (because, yes, I'm awesome, and I totally rock the old people magazines) when I came across a story about a hotel that is supposedly haunted.  Now, I know I'm the world's biggest chicken, and I know better than to read crapito like that, but I'm an idiot and I always tell myself, "Oh, my heck, Laurie!  You're a big girl!  You can read this super lame article.  You're just fine!"

Famous last words.  Like when I thought I could watch a ghost hunter video about my local museum, which I can no longer attend, because I love the museum, but the super lame video scared the crapito out of me.

Anyway, back to the story.  I read the first two paragraphs of the Reader's Digest article.  All it said was the hotel was supposedly haunted, and that the ghost was supposed to be a little girl that was locked in a cupboard and would kick the door.  That's it.  No scary elaboration, no flowery words, just that.

I was so terrified I very nearly slept in my four-year-old's bed.  So she could protect me.  I had to work really, REALLY hard not to give in to that tenacious urge.  I even texted my husband at work to tell him how scared I was, then immediately texted him again to tell him that he could NOT come home and scare me because I would cry.  For real.  A lot.

You may be asking yourself, "What makes Laurie think she's the biggest chicken ever?  Sure, she's super lame, but so what?"

I'll show you!  Doubt my lame-osity, will you?  *grumble* *grumble*

All right ... Here it goes ... The gloves are coming off ...

I'm petrified of Bigfoot and aliens, even though there's not one tiny bit of me that believes they're real.

Did you read that?  'Cuz I was trying really hard not to let you see that.  It's embarrassing.

How far does this fear go?  Well, back to Reader's Digest...

There was another article about the most read case ever in the FBI's files.  It was about an extraterrestrial ship crashing, and three bodies being found.  Honestly, I think it's probably the biggest hoax ever.  For real.  But it still scared me to pieces.

Which brings me to my fallacious thought process.  After I was stupid and read this article, I had to go pick up the four-year-old from preschool.  Middle of the day, bright and sun-shiny, and I'm literally running to my car.  I jump in, slam the door, and lock it, only to realize my thinking process is majorly flawed.  I'm scared of creatures I don't even believe in, but, for argument's sake, let's say they're real.  Obviously they've got some serious technology at their disposal if they can travel way farther and faster than we can even comprehend.  So what makes me think locking the doors of my pop can car is going to protect me????  Or the deadbolt on my front door????  Or the plate-glass windows that my four-year-old could shatter without even trying????

I'm not safe.

Anywhere.

Ever.

Apache OpenOffice Issues

My new computer didn't come with Microsoft Office, and I refuse to pay every month for the rest of my life or a flat $300.00 fee to get it, so I use Apache OpenOffice instead.  It's a free, open source program that I love and have had very few problems with.  However, when problems do crop up, it's annoyingly hard to find a solution.

I just updated to Version 4.1.2 and the stupid thing started marking every single word as misspelled.  I've been fighting with it all day and just found the solution:

You need to shut down AOO, kill the soffice.* processes, delete the user profiles and restart. Done! The user profiles can be found at c:\Users\xxxx\AppData\Roaming\OpenOffice.org . I simply deleted the entire OpenOffice.org folder.

Finally!

There were other instructions that were much more convoluted.  The "xxxx" after Users\ is the name of the computer.

At least now I'm not wasting all my time rereading everything I type for errors.

Now to get my one remaining keyboard functioning...since I broke the other one...

Answer to Things That Bug Me #1--Vegetable Oil

That's how the get the stuff out.  Now, why is it bad?  I watched another video on canola oil--made by the same people, so not from tree-hugging-hippy-freak-os that hate everything except foliage--and they freaking add bleach to it to make it lighter in color.

K, I'm not totally cool with eating bleach.

But I'll still totally use vegetable oil.  'Cuz I can.

Slacker Sack Review

I finally got my 8-foot Slacker Sack today (long story, let's just say order from the manufacturer and not Amazon).  Here's an annoyingly detailed review (mainly because I couldn't find any detailed reviews out there).  All in all, it was TOTALLY worth the price.  We are on it constantly.  CONSTANTLY. In fact, we have no intention of taking our couch with if we ever move, and we probably won't buy another one.

I found this kid wandering around on the street, so
stuck her in the pictures for scale...just kidding

UPS said it weighed 69 pounds

Inside the box

I had to totally roll the box over and dump out this...sausage

After taking off the tape and first layer of plastic it looked like a wonderful brain candy

This is when the toddler started screaming, "It looks like a brain!
Like in my head!"

Picture inside the bag once I got some of the foam broken up

It was super easy, and pretty cool, to separate the
cover from the compressed "brain" foam

Yes, unzipping the liner to show you the foam made a huge,
static-y mess.

With the cover

It only took about 15 minutes to break up 1/2-2/3
of the foam.

Highlights of the Week

A New Title

I take my daughter to story hour at my local library every week.  Most weeks, I end up showing up in pajamas.  What can I say?  I hate mornings.  Most of the others moms are dressed to the nines with fancy clothes, makeup, and big hair.  Me?  I look like death warmed over.  But I don't really care.  I go for story hour, not fashion hour.

The librarian told me I am officially the most casual mom she knows.

Yes!

My husband says that's not a compliment.  I say, I don't care.

My Vocal Talents

I was being super lame and singing Phantom of the Opera yesterday.  My three-year-old kept covering her ears.  I asked what was wrong.  She told me to stop singing because it makes her throw up.

The Dangers of McDonald's

My daughter announced she was going to sing a church song.  It consisted of the words, "McDonald's makes me dead, Jesus makes me alive."

Just so you know, McDonald's is her favorite place ever.  I am not one of those mothers that tells her fast food will kill her.

Socks Do Not Make Your Hair Curl

I'm always trying to find ways to make my hair take (and keep) a curl.  So when I watched this video, I thought, "Why not?"

5 Minute No-Heat Curls!

Yeah.  Not only did I not sleep last night (super uncomfortable having bulky socks tied all over your head), not only did I wake up in extreme amounts of pain (having bulky socks tied to your head hurts your neck and shoulders), not only did I have to wait until noon for my hair to dry (even though it was barely damp when I went to bed), no curls.  Snarly, awkward random kinks, yes.  Curls?  No.

Fresh Young Gagonut

Sometimes, Bountiful Baskets gives us some strange things.

Sometimes, those things are surprisingly good (persimmons, Brussels sprouts).

Sometimes the things are completely disgusting.

We got a fresh young coconut this week.  I've tried it before and remember how nasty it is, but my husband didn't believe me.  He hacked the thing open and it was pinkish.  Didn't deter him.  He drained it and got the "jelly" (he described it as snot) out and blended them.  It looked like pink vomit.  It tasted like butt.  He added Otter Pops.  It looked even more like vomit.  The taste made him swear and literally vomit into the sink.

Moral of the story?

Stay away from fresh young coconut.

Things I'm Going to Forget

1. When my daughter was just learning to talk, she'd always demand to watch "Happy."  It took me forever to figure out that she meant Barney the Dinosaur.  She called him Happy for ages.
2. One day, my daughter's friend got to ride on a booster seat rather than a standard car seat.  I knew it would upset my little angel, so I told her that I would call her "Madam" and she would be important and junk.  She asked who I was if she was Madam.  I told her I was "Butler."  Clear as can be, she responded, "You're butt crack?"
3. To this day, she calls potatoes igoes (eye-goes).  Don't know where she got that from, but, even at 3-and-a-half, if she accidentally says "potatoes" she'll correct herself with "igoes."
4. Currently, her favorite song is "Where is Thumbkin?"  She will do all the different characters (ring-man, tall-man, etc.), but only her thumb or her pointer gets moved.  She always responds to "How are you today, sir?" with "Thank you for the well day."
5. When singing "I am a Child of God," she always says, "Lead me, guide me, walk in my shoes."
6. When she first started feeding herself, the second she was full she would throw all of her food on the floor.  I never managed to get there fast enough to save anything.
7. Hamburgers are actually hand-ga-burgers.  And, no, she won't eat them.
8. For a long time, her future career choice was one of Santa's elves. 
9. She got her first love note in kindergarten.